


The reality of dreams

by Lilibet



Series: October 2020 prompts [23]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, M/M, it's open to interpretation, kind of, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:29:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27165934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilibet/pseuds/Lilibet
Summary: He opens his eyes to the cold harsh light of morning.He thinks this is worse than seeing Qui-Gon die over and over again.
Relationships: Qui-Gon Jinn/Obi-Wan Kenobi
Series: October 2020 prompts [23]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1949062
Comments: 16
Kudos: 27





	The reality of dreams

**Author's Note:**

> For the whumptober day 23 prompt "exhaustion/sleep deprivation".

It’s after Naboo.

He doesn’t sleep, subsisting only on deep meditations, the force, and sheer stubbornness. Qui-Gon dies again every time he closes his eyes, stamped on the back of his eyelids like a tattoo; his shock when he’s impaled, the love in his eyes when he looks at Obi-Wan for the last time. He doesn’t want to be trapped reliving that moment in his dreams.

When he accidentally catches himself in the mirror, he doesn’t recognise the person who looks back. Sunken eyes, messy hair growing out from his padawan cut, sallow skin. It isn’t the person Qui-Gon left behind.

Qui-Gon took that person with him when he died.

It gets to the point where even Yoda starts looking at him in concern, his wrinkled face full of pity he resents. Eventually, it takes the combined forces of Mace, Yoda, and Anakin to get him to relent to some rest.

Weeks of hardly any sleep and he’s honestly surprised he’s still standing.

Mace offers to put him to sleep with a force suggestion, the look in his eyes far too knowing, and the temptation of dreamless sleep is hard to resist. But Obi-Wan politely declines and thanks him for the offer.

He stares at his bed for long minutes, anxiety curling in his gut. He distracts himself stripping off his tunics and splashing his face with cold water, stalling tactics he knows, but he can’t stop himself. The circles under his eyes could almost be coloured with ink.

Laying under the covers and staring at the ceiling, sleep eludes him for as exhausted as he is. A hysterical laugh escapes him when he realises he’s actually scared to fall asleep. He can’t stop once he starts and then he’s sobbing, curling up into a ball on his side and weeping into his pillow with frantic hitching breaths.

It’s the first time he’s cried since that day.

It exhausts him more than past few weeks and he slips into the waiting arms of an uneasy sleep.

\--

He sees Qui-Gon, alive and hale, recovered from Naboo. Obi-Wan smiles at his master, revels in the bear hug that envelopes him, comforting like a warm cup of tea and a blanket.

When he looks in the mirror, he smiles at his reflection. His braid has been newly cut and carefully secured around Qui-Gon’s wrist. His knighthood stretches before him and he feels excitement brewing in his chest.

Everything is as it should be.

\--

He opens his eyes to the cold harsh light of morning.

He thinks this is worse than seeing Qui-Gon die over and over again.

\--

He comes to realise whenever he falls into sleep, he returns to the same place. It draws him back each time, the allure of a few hours of blissful ignorance and escaping to a reality that was lost.

A reality where life continues as normal, and Obi-Wan is the knight he always dreamed of being with a proud master watching over him.

A reality where their relationship morphs into one of mutual respect, and further still, until they’re waking up tangled in bed together with soft eyes and sleepy smiles against the backdrop of a Coruscanti sunrise.

A reality where a cup of tea is always waiting for him in their quarters, and they drink quietly together on the sofa, Obi-Wan cuddled into Qui-Gon’s side and surrounded by his warmth.

\--

Slowly, it consumes him. Sleep calls to him every day, a siren song in the back of his mind. He submits whenever he has a spare moment. Five minutes here, ten minutes there. He tells himself each time this will be the last, he’ll stop this weakness and move on with his life. They’re only dreams after all.

But Qui-Gon is smiling at him with an outstretched hand. He hesitates, then thinks _one more time can’t hurt_ and grasps his hand.

Until one day, he can’t figure out why he hasn’t yet returned to the original reality.

And then days start to turn into weeks, and weeks into months...

But Qui-Gon is smiling at him with an outstretched hand. He hesitates, then thinks _one more time can’t..._ wait, he’s sure he’s had that thought before. His mind is fuzzy, he knows something isn’t right, there’s...someone waiting for him. Waiting...somewhere that’s not here, but he can’t think where. He tries to remember but his memory is like smoke, slipping through his fingers when he tries to catch it.

But Qui-Gon is smiling at him with an outstretched hand.

Obi-Wan smiles and takes it.


End file.
